Jérôme's Blog

French name, German accent

“Hyper-Parenting, Genders, not teaching to say thank you – this isn't my world (anymore)” he said and announced a relationship pause.

I totally get why parents of the Boomer generation parented differently than today. They learned it from their parents alone, and had no other information sources for alternatives. My grand parents' generation and people from the generations before had hard lives, patriarchy was more “blunt”.

Letting your kids cry themselves to sleep at night was an important training to make them independent. When they stopped crying after a few nights, the lesson was a success – why would one assume that they stopped only because they've given up having learned that, when in distress, nobody would come to soothe them?

I get it.

What I don't understand is why it is an affront to them when we do things differently today.

I wish I could share the deeply satisfying and rewarding feeling with them when I see my child on the baby monitor waking up late at night, looking around and saying softly “Papa? Papa?”, and the joy on their face when I go to them to take them in my arms.

I reinstalled some games. I'm weak.

That's the post.

I have a few unfinished drafts about friendship, and I'm not sure why I haven't gotten around finishing any of them, only that this seems to be a topic that is important to me.

I think of myself as being a good friend and a bad friend. Good in the sense that I'll always have the back of people I consider my friends. Bad in the sense that I'm terrible at maintaining my friendships.

Call me, and I'll spend as much time listening as you need. Try to get me to meet up and you'll wonder if I got lost between messages.

Perhaps one without the other is not enough. But I'm thankful for the few people where it seems that it is.

My parental leave is almost over, and after five months of being able to spend time with my daughter as much as I want, I will have to take a big portion of it for work.

I love my job, and until the last day of not being a dad I couldn't imagine not working for such a long time.

Now I find it difficult to imagine how to balance my time to do justice to both my work and my family.

Having a remote-only job helps, as well as my wife and I supporting each other, no matter what.

What I like is that my priorities have shifted since five months ago. We'll manage!

I uninstalled all the games on my phone.

That's the post.

Hint: I have a baby.

For the first time in months, I woke up early, but late enough, during a light sleep cycle when the baby had a fart across. Her mom and I helped her, had a little chat, and I felt refreshed and like not going back to bed.

Now I'm sitting with a coffee on the terrace, the weather and light are pleasant, and I actually hear a rooster crowing in the distance.

Life is good.

You're just one person away from being part of the “this only happens to others” group.

I finished writing a 30+ pages documentation to make my case to Airbnb against the host of an apartment in Palma de Mallorca last night.

For the past 14 days, I've been messaging back and forth with the host and with Airbnb support: one of the rooms was moldy and we couldn't use it. The apartment was in bad shape and hat partly severe water marks on walls and furniture, and rust on the appliances.

We did everything by the book – we immediately contacted the host directly, Airbnb support in parallel. The host promised fixes, and started by sending someone with a paint can. We were flabbergasted but, after four days, accepted that we shouldn't have trusted the photos, the assertions of the host or that Airbnb valued the guests more than the hosts.

Then came the day before our departure: heavy rain turned the terrace above the apartment into a sea. Water leaked into the apartment everywhere. We left, now understanding how the water marks came to be, and fearing to be electrocuted by the wet electrical appliances.

We reported this to the host and Airbnb. The host ended up filing a damage refund request of half the rent, accusing us to have clogged a drain with soda cans. (We had already paid a few thousand bucks for the horrible stay so far)

Now I'm hoping for the mercy of Airbnb, the self-proclaimed “neutral arbitrator to achieve an amicable solution”.

If I'm ever to use Airbnb again (I won't if I not absolutely have to) or if you plan on doing so:

  • Check the cancellation policy of a listing: if it's not cancelable until x days of the arrival, stay away from it
  • If the host has anything but stellar reviews, stay away from them
  • Document every. single. detail. of anything wrong with the place and let the host know. Show today's newspaper and a clock on each photo. Make videos commenting what you see.
  • Check water drains for soda cans.
  • Don't forget your own soda cans on the terrace.

#airbnb

This has been said countless times.

In fact, I see it in my mental health related Instagram feed every now and then.

Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”.

And sometimes people who are used to be treated like an authority say “if you won't respect me I won't respect you” and they mean “if you don't treat me like an authority I won't treat you like a person”.

And they think they're being fair but they aren't and it's not okay.

– Source unknown

It is put so well that, when I read this the first time, it blew my mind.

What I would add is that “respect” means to me “treating someone as they want to be treated”.

I do this with every new person I meet, and with people I regularly interact with. Especially when I'm in a position where I think someone could see me as an authority, for example at work.

(Perhaps I'll write about why I don't care about the “Senior” and “Junior” prefixes in job titles in another post.)

And I wish I had the strength to show this post to people who don't treat me how I'd like to be treated: as a person, as an adult, as someone with a different character.

People who say “You don't let me tell you anything anymore” just because I say “I don't agree” or “I want to do it differently”, and who then say: “I don't want to talk to you” when I want to talk about it to align our understandings of each other.

The older I get, the more my feelings change in this regard. I used to feel crushed and miserable for weeks, even months, when a situation like this occurred.

This is now changing the more often it happens. I'm getting increasingly angry. At them, and at myself for letting it happen although I shouldn't because I can't and don't want to cut them off.

In a way, I still feel miserable. I don't seem to be able to change this conflict and development, and I'm afraid that they will cut me off because of it.

#respect #authority #MentalHealth

Hi, I'm Jérôme, a professional software developer and solve complex problems every day.

Each week I become more and more annoyed seeing tracks of artists I didn't like in my “Release Radar” playlist on Spotify.

I hit “Hide song” each time and roll my eyes the next week because Spotify's algorithms don't get it.

I finally bothered to web-search if it's possible to block artists, and of course it is.

As it turns out, all I had to do is to go on the artists profile page, hit the three dots and then “Don't play this artist”.

I could have thought of this myself, but it obviously was too easy.

Before becoming parents, I used to insist to my wife how little sleep I needed.

In fact I certainly could have done with more sleep, but I most often went to bed late and left the bed early.

This way, I could squeeze out as much of a day as possible and have time for work, quality together-time, and, at night, quality me-time. Every few weeks I would go to bed early and sleep in to recharge my sleep-battery.

Now we've learned that while I'm fine with little sleep, it's only if it's uninterrupted. I sleep like a stone, but after a few times, my wife started thinking twice if she should really wake me so that she could get some sleep, because – and I remember it now – I'm obviously grumpy when I don't choose when to be sleeping or awake.

I chose to stay up late. The baby, of course, doesn't care, but my wife shouldn't be the one to suffer from my choices.

Will I be able to change my habits? I don't know if and when, but until then, the least I can do is to show my loved ones that I care (because I do), even when I'm roused from sleep.

#sleep #habits #support

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